Berlin Sucks

So there's me, sitting in my snuggly home office, sippin' a cup of incredibly tasty Latte Macchiato (courtesy of Lavazza, De Longhi and, last but not least, moi) and muse about how much there is to rant upon in this screwed up world we live in...

Well, the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, so lets start with the place i happen to live: Good'ole Berlin, which kinda struggles with the notion of being a (revived) capital, but apart from being the largest town in germany it just doesn't cut it - especially for people that expect more from life than just the usual 9-to-5 routine accompanied by shopping mall raids on Saturdays ('cause usually all shops are closed on Sundays).

St. Walter a.k.a. the TV Tower
(image courtesy Wikipedia)

Are you on the guest list?

For example let me tell you about those pseudo-chique clubs with arbitrary face controls keeping people queueing outside just to create the illusion of a packed place. Once inside (after paying a hefty admission fee of usually 10 €) one gets hammered by deafening music (emphasis being on kilowatts over sound sound), usually cheap, sometimes even crappy but rarely ever classy interior, a piss-poor service normally expected in a buttcrack-of-the-world roofless expatriate watering hole and of course insanely overpriced drinks - and if the drink happens to be cheap, better stock up on Aspirin and Gatorate.

In case the door rejects you, they sometimes ask if you're on the guest list. Now here is where it gets really funny: Most of these places spam your inbox with guest list invitations - which (of course) come with a catch: one has to show up early, in many cases one's still expected to pay a reduced admission, but still they're hoping one will stay longer (and drink more). D'uh?!

There are exception to this rule but you better get ready for a lot of disappointment before you find places actually worth frequenting. Oh, not to forget, let the record show that nightlife only booms Fridays and Saturdays. Capital my ass, really...

"Cyberpunk corporate urban" Sony Center
(image courtesy Wikipedia)

The Sony Center sale

Want tangible proof? Let's take the ever so awesome Sony Center, opened in 2000 for the negligible amount of 750 M€. Yet, not even 4 years later, Sony moved their german headquarters away from Berlin to Munich, and just another 4 years later they got rid of the entire complex with it's IMAX theater, museum, conference center, offices, luxury apartments, shops and restaurants for a whooping 600 M€.  Now do the math. That's 150 Million Euros down the fuckin' drain. 

Some of the reasons stated were that the cost of operations and living is too high as well as the general lack of direct connections to the far east (the latter of which having been promised by the city senate and mayors for years).

However if one cares to ask me: if a bunch of greedy executives decide to intentionally lose a shitload of money, they usually have a very long list of compelling, shareholder-compatible reasons to do so...

Berlinian invention: the Currywurst
(image courtesy Wikipedia)

Life is dull

Life in Berlin is - for the lack of a more appropriate denomination - dull, holding enough entertainment for an extended weekend, at best barely a forthnight. In layman's terms, living in Berlin sucks. Wonder how long it takes until somebody puts that on a T-shirt. 

Might have to do with an unemployment rate of appr. 25% in the region. Might be because of many (well employed) people commuting away from Berlin for the weekend, usually back to their families, or just to spend the weekend in a better place. Or, maybe it's me, because I'm expecting too much after having lived and worked in places like New York, Moscow and Beijing. But I've repeatedly met locals that would leave this city asap if it weren't for their however humble real-estate which they couldn't sell without a hefty loss. Meh, whatever...

House of the Cultures of the World
(image courtesy Wikipedia)

OK, it's not all that bad

Now don't get me wrong - it's not all that bad. Public transportation for example rocks, one rarely has to rely on cabs which even come with a bargain short-range fee of 4 € for distances up to 2 km as long as you grab a cab off the road, and it is actual driving distance, not beeline. If you use a cab, just make sure to check the cabbie's driving with your smartphone's map/routing tool, cause many a times they'll try to rip off the unsuspecting foreigner. And if you catch them showing you way more you ever care to see and pay for, be prepared for a cuss word avalanche gratuitously provided by some of the worst foulmouths ever to have crawled this earth.

Yeah, one pretty much gets almost everything, as long as one's prepared to pay too fuckin' much. Many bars still cater smokers (hell yeah!), museums are free every Thursday nite, there's concerts, fashion shows, movie festivals, marathons, cafés, restaurants, drugs, hookers, hookahs, it's all there, but more often than not at above described sub-par quality and - yes, i'm repeating myself - at prices one would expect a complimentary blowjob.

Conclusion

In a nutshell, if you happen to get offered a (high profile) job in Berlin, it will usually be well remunerated (probably to compensate for the lack of actual living quality). But if you merely want to work in Germany for some time and you get to pick, do yourself a favour and go for Munich instead...

Anyhoo, enough said, time for another cuppa... oh, and of course I do look forward to your letters.

Yours truly

The Principal Insultant

P.S.: Now why the fuck am i still sitting in Berlin, you ask?! Let me tell you: it's the pay day. Nothing else. I'm just another corporate whore.